The Real Truth About Spanking

Parenting is often a challenging journey, and it’s common for caregivers to feel overwhelmed by the difficult moments that come with raising children. In times of frustration, it might seem tempting to rely on physical punishment, as it may appear to deliver immediate results. But the long-term effects of these practices, such as spanking, can have harmful consequences on a child's emotional and psychological well-being. 

A Shocking Moment of Misguided Advice 

I vividly remember an unsettling moment when I was flipping through TV channels and happened upon a show featuring a so-called parenting “expert.” Her advice was both shocking and deeply concerning: she advocated for carrying a wooden spoon at all times to use as a punishment tool. The suggestion? Parents should be prepared to hit their children at the first sign of misbehavior, regardless of the situation. The expert even went as far as to suggest that spanking children with this spoon could "beat the devil out of them." She told the audience to keep a spoon by their bedside or in their car, always ready to use at a moment's notice.

But it didn’t end there. When a parent shared concerns about her toddler’s bedtime struggles, the expert instructed her to physically restrain her child, hit him with the spoon, and repeatedly say “I love you” while doing so. The audience erupted in applause, which was deeply troubling. As a psychologist, it was painful to witness the promotion of such dangerous practices. Even without formal training, it’s clear that this kind of behavior can severely damage a child’s ability to trust, and perhaps even worse, confuse them about the relationship between love and physical punishment.  

I was so appalled by what I had witnessed that I immediately contacted the TV station, urging them to reconsider airing this episode again, though I am unsure if they took any action.

Why Physical Punishment is Harmful 

In moments of frustration, when a child acts out or misbehaves, it's understandable why parents may feel desperate to find a quick solution. The thought process behind using physical punishment—whether it's a smack, a slap, or a spanking—might be rooted in the idea that this is the only way to get the child’s attention. After all, many people grew up with these practices and turned out fine, or so they believe. But the truth is, spanking does not teach children the lessons we intend. Instead, it sends confusing messages about authority, discipline, and love.  

Physical punishment is defined as the use of physical force intended to cause a child to feel pain, but without causing injury. In theory, it may seem like a direct way to show that misbehavior has consequences. However, research overwhelmingly shows that physical punishment does more harm than good. Studies reveal that children who are spanked are more likely to develop behavioral problems, struggle with aggression, and experience challenges in forming healthy relationships as they grow older. It can also negatively impact their cognitive and emotional development, as well as their ability to regulate their own behavior effectively.

The Emotional Toll on Children

One of the most damaging aspects of spanking is the emotional toll it takes on a child. Children who are physically punished often feel rejected or unloved by their caregivers, even though this is not the parent's intention. This emotional distress can erode the bond between parent and child, making the child feel unsafe or unsupported in times of need. It’s also important to consider how physical punishment teaches children to use violence as a solution to problems. Instead of learning to resolve conflicts with words or to express their feelings in healthy ways, children may come to view aggression as the only acceptable response.

Furthermore, spanking can instill fear rather than respect. When a child learns to obey out of fear of pain rather than understanding, they miss out on developing the critical thinking skills that would help them make better choices on their own. They may also become less likely to approach their parents with future issues or concerns, which can create a disconnect between the two.

Alternatives to Spanking: Positive Discipline Practices  

Fortunately, there are many effective, non-violent ways to discipline children that foster respect and emotional growth. Positive discipline focuses on guiding children through their behavior, helping them understand the consequences of their actions, and teaching them how to make better choices.

1. Setting Clear Expectations: Children need to know what is expected of them. Setting clear and consistent rules helps them understand boundaries. Make sure to explain the reasoning behind rules so that children feel empowered to make good choices on their own.  

2. Modeling Behavior: Children learn a lot by observing their parents. When we model respectful and calm behavior, children are more likely to imitate those actions. If we want them to be kind, patient, and thoughtful, we must demonstrate these qualities ourselves.

3. Time-Outs and Reflection: Instead of a punishment, use time-outs as a way for children to cool off and reflect on their behavior. It provides a moment for them to think about the situation, what went wrong, and how they can handle it differently next time.

4. Positive Reinforcement: Praise good behavior instead of just reacting to bad behavior. Acknowledging when your child behaves well reinforces the positive actions and encourages them to continue making good choices.  

5. Natural Consequences: Whenever possible, allow children to experience the natural consequences of their actions. For example, if they refuse to eat their dinner, they might go to bed hungry. This teaches them about cause and effect in a safe, constructive way.

6. Empathy and Communication: Teach children how to express their emotions and be empathetic toward others. Helping them understand why their actions hurt others fosters emotional intelligence and better social skills.

Breaking the Cycle of Physical Punishment

The cycle of spanking can be difficult to break, especially for parents who were raised in households where physical punishment was the norm. It’s important for these parents to recognize that just because a practice was used in the past doesn’t mean it’s the best or only way to handle difficult situations. The more we learn about child development and the long-term effects of various disciplinary practices, the better equipped we are to provide our children with the guidance they need in healthy, constructive ways.

Parenting may never be easy, but the effort to embrace non-violent, empathetic, and effective discipline techniques is one of the best investments a parent can make for their child’s emotional and psychological well-being. By prioritizing kindness, respect, and understanding, we can foster an environment where children thrive, learn, and grow into compassionate, self-aware adults.